About Me

Monday, July 3, 2017

Hebat ke graduate oversea?

To be honest, I feel natural or no feeling at all when some of my younger cousins got offer to further their after SPM study to oversea, mostly to Caucasian countries such as Australia, New Zealand and United Kingdom. It just too normal.

Why not they choose to go to other Asian or Arabic countries? Of course lah, it depends on course.
Most courses related to science and technology were pioneered in Western countries.
Unless you are a bit religious, then you will start looking option to further your degree in Arabic countries.

And you know what....., majority of people don't think other Asian or Arabic countries considered as classy enough. If not, why the sponsorship choose the Western countries at the first place?

I don't really care anymore about people going oversea for studying or even for vacation.

Nothing really great about other people countries' really if you don't really know your own value.

Like what happen to me. I am such a good example how doom someone could be when you busy trying to get know other people's successful life story but forget about my own life story.

So, please learn from my mistakes.

(somehow, this blog start telling all my bad side and weaknesses. should i feel embarrass and stop all these nagging?) 


Well, to be honest with you..I don't know the right answer for the question.
Does studying oversea make someone more successful than others?

That one I can answer. Not really. Not really. Actually. 
It depends on how you want your life turns out to be after all.

I guess I know why people always, always, ALWAYS look high to those people who studying abroad.
Its either that person is filthy rich or genius that permits he/she to study there.

And, I don't fall into either of those two main categories. I am just an ordinary student who study really hard because study is my hobby, an escapism from other things such as sports, clubs or socialising. 

I got quite good results, so I apply for scholarship to study in oversea. I took the Australian Matriculation (AUSMAT) programme in INTEC for almost 2 years. I got just enough TER to make me qualified to further studying in Australia. 

My bad. I thought I was very successful already when I finally pass my AUSMAT programme. 
I should have just realised that I was far away from being successful.
My main objective should be my bachelor degree.

And, AUSMAT is not teaching any lessons for matriculation stage but only a high school major exam for Australian teenagers, similar to SPM. After high school, they go straight to university. That's why they start their working life at 20-21 years old. 


Maybe, people should always pay some respect to those who studying abroad and come back to their home country and become really successful. Really successful here means that they use their knowledge and experience at oversea to be implemented in the country, so the system got better and better with time. 

So, the next generation could be as good as student studying in the prestigious universities at oversea.

But, why our education system is still considered low quality in comparison to those abroad universities after all the years the previous, previous, previous generations graduated from oversea working as lecturers in the local universities? The ranking system maybe. I dunno.

Our universities not even listed in the top ten of the best of the best universities in the world.
But, does it matter?


People only see the roses part of the whole part of being a student in the foreign country.
Me too before I went studying there. I don't blame them. They could not see because they don't have the chances to see it.

Studying is not like going for vacation. It just totally two different things. 
Studying is also different from working at oversea. 

For some students like me who are really depending for moral support to be strong, it just a bad choice to study abroad. 

That person who plan to study oversea, must prepare mentally and emotionally at the first place.
It just a very tough situation to survive because you must not only focus on studying but also make time to sort out your life matters.

I don't have enough experience to handle all sorts of things at once while I am studying. That's why I am soo good at studying because I don't have other things to focus on. 
But, nope when I choose to study oversea.

And, I am still bad at juggling my life at the moment. 


I still have some kind of big regrets in choosing to study in Australia. 
Yes, I got the chances to travel to some of the most beautiful places and feel the different types of weather.

But, as I said before. It never really matter to me at all now. 
Because, ........................ I should just explain to myself for this part. 

Most of my friends are working as government staff (sponsored by JPA) or GLC companies (sponsored by TNB, TM , Khazanah or Petronas) or local universities (UIA, UKM, UPM, USM, UMT, UPNM). Easy life for them. 

Just finish studying, straight into working life and then into marriage life and then family life. 

Just toooo smooth for them. I could not help but feel envy to them. 


There are always exceptional cases. Some of them working in different field from what they learned in the university. Some even dedicated their time to be the best moms for their children. So, their children will be the next generation who will be studying oversea. 

Some still further their study till the highest they could possible have, in different part of the world (FOC!!!) and have already started working in some of the prestigious universities. 

And not to forget, some of them who have already leaving this whole thing behind and living in another, eternal world. 


As for me. Still struggling. What is the meaning of life if no hardships for us to learn from it? 
Dull and boring.

And I don't say those my successful friends are not struggling. But, at least they could have something to be proud of other than graduated from oversea.  

p/s: I could still remember how popular I am at Facebook among my friends during my time studying in Australia. But, when I came back home in 2012, none of them really bother about me weather I am dead or alive. What could I say? After all, I prefer a quite life like now than being stalked daily.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

The stupidest thing I did in my entire life

No one have ever told me how valuable I am to them. Even my parents. But, that does not mean they don't love me. They love me through acts not words. So, somehow I just feel very unsure of my own self value to them and other people.

After all, love is a verb. Words are unnecessary, acts are more important.


You are reading this because you want to know what my most stupid thing I ever did to myself in my whole life. I have done it many times but this time I got the lesson in very hard way.


I feel soo ashamed just to think how bad I perceive my self-worth.
If you don't respect yourself, no one will.
Everyone can sense how you carry yourself around them.

It just a norm that people don't usually likes to find others' people beauty or talents.
They just love to pinpoint and highlights your underachievement and weaknesses.
It just soo human.

I can't blame them for being mean as Allah has created human to be like that.
Full with envy and bad desire to other people.

Except persons who believe with all their heart that Allah is the best planner.


As I get older and older, people around me somehow starts giving me more pressure and pressure about my spinster status, indirectly or directly.

Indirectly is when all my ex-schoolmate with 2 or 3 kids started discussing how happy they are with their kids and how lucky they got pregnant at first attempt. Yeap.

They even announced their target of achievement to get the 4th and 5th children for the next 2 years.
Yep, pretty much something likes that.

Directly, of course from my own family. They said something likes I am single for too long, sooo tak laku. Or they keep asking me whether I have boyfriend or not. Or they quietly plan to wear specific colour for Hari Raya and left you alone with your own colour of choice. Then, only me wearing different colour from their theme colour.

That's how the situation for me.

Thus, I grow weaker, feeble, hopeless and hapless by year to year. 
I don't see I have any self worth anymore as long as I hold this title; andartu


So, I start taking initiative to get rid this spinster status. I abhor this status.
Everyone looks down and pity me because of this.

But, basically the rule is very simple. What you think about yourself will cause people see the same way you see yourself. If it was bad, like mine.....sooo, other people will see it triple or more worst that you are actually is. Just keep that in your mind. 

To make the story short, I met a guy. I don't really know him but from outside, he is pretty awesome.
We started contact each other but in the second week, I knew this guy is not a nice guy.

But, I am too weak and hapless to end the relationship. The most toxic relationship you could have.
Because of what?

Because I am soooooo stupid to believe my self-worth depending on my single or married status!!!. 


So, I got the lesson in very hard way.

He broke up with me, gladly and I don't want to care about him anymore.
He is the most terrible guy which I could never thought could exist in this whole universe.

Enough about him. Pfftttt.....

Here, a few things I learn from my mistake.

💛 Please don't let other people control what you want in my life.
💜 Have some respects to yourself. Who can respect you if you don't respect yourself.
💙 Bad guys are many. Don't fall for one.
💚 How terrible people surrounds treat you because you are spinster, stay true to your own value. You know how valuable you are.
💛 Being spinster is not a sin act. Being a wife and disrespect your husband is a huge sin.
💜 Feeling down, run to Allah. Feeling low, run to Allah. Feeling alone, again run to Allah.

💙 This is only a test.
💚 Embrace your singleness.

Below, some quote I got to share. 

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Pre eidul fitri (*wink*wink*)

Give me 5 or 10 minutes to exercise my brain in order to start writing this post.
(Hyak 1 time, hyak 2 times, hyak 3 times.)
Ok. I think that should be enough. 
Not really. Huhu. 

My head feeling languish with all those sleep I had before I am rushing to IIUM. Thanks to my boss's call in the morning. If he called, it means some really urgent tasks need to be done at the moment. 

So, as I expected. The urgent call is all about students' marks key in tasks that seem to be never ending. For couple hundreds of students, I guess. And 1 student has 4 to 5 assessment forms. 
Kinda boring really. urgh. 

My head still does not want to cooperate with me. So, I am writing this post in the hope that it could activate and connect all those neuron cells in my brain. My mood and hungriness are not helping at all. 


We had a long weekend last week. Extra one day in remembering and celebrating Nuzul Quran day on 17th Ramadhan, which fall on Monday. There are several opinions on the exact date of Nuzul Al-Quran, but most prominent opinion among Islamic scholars is on 17th Ramadhan.

You must know what is actually happen on this day, don't you?
Better ask and learn from someone you know hold good knowledge about Islam.

And I am not qualified to explain the magnificent and majestic event with my superficial knowledge surrounds the topic.

Yeah. Long weekend is what my mom has been waiting for sooo looooonggg.
She has 1001 plans to be executed for those days, and who will be her assistant ?

Who else? Me lah, as a daughter and sure my father too (if he did not have any other plans).

There is another story for my father. He is very eager to cook various dishes for iftar. Almost every day, he cooks. His cooking are not bad at all, but.... too much for three of us to finish them.


It's really does a very tiring weekend. My mom keep reminds me to get up early in the morning. 
Of course, I got up early since I am also very excited in preparing my home sweet home for eid.


Maybe I am not as excited as my mom, but I am also not against her in following all her orders.

"Masukkan penyangkut dalam semua langsir baru. Lepas tu turunkan langsir lama. Senang, x yah turun naik turun naik."

"Hurm, penyangkut yg ada byk dah rosak. Boleh lah nak cabut dulu langsir." 

"Kita lap habuk kat kipas plak. Vacuum dan lap tingkap."

I am the one who are the most trusted person by my both parent to climb the ladder in order to reach the high place. Since I am the smallest even though not the lightest. (Wuhuhuhuh.)

Besides, my small body size. I am also have no bad record of falling off from the ladder likes what happened to my mom and my dad last time. All due to changing curtain. 

A very dangerous task for the sake of eidul fitri, I could say. Hmph. 

But, this time both my parent seemed very eager and quite brave in joining me to climbing up the ladder. As I am taking too long and too much break time in between the works. (Huhu.)

"Penat wooo. Dahlah pose."

My mom managed her works successfully without any accidents. My dad too. But, the tasks put a lot of stress on his legs' joints and thus he has been in pain till this days. Sadly.


Then, the next day at IIUM, I found something cute and funny about this whole thing.

My other single friends also got pushed by their mothers to do cleaning, brushing, decorating and so on so on during the long weekend. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

They must move big cupboard and other furnitures, so the house looks new on eidul fitri.
They must cook and cook and cook.

One of them even said this;

"Kenapalah mak2 ni seronok sangat nak berhari raya. Dahlah pose, penat nak buat keje macam2"

Which is exactly the same thought I had while wiping up that dusty fan ceiling. Hohohoho.



Trust me. You will be missing these precious moments when the time comes in future. 

18 Ramadhan

Assalamualaikum my dear brothers and sisters,

How's your Ramadhan has been going on so far?
I keep trying to remember how I spend my Ramadhan last year, but I could not remember any.

I don't think I am fully utilising my Ramadhan this year in gaining as maximum reward (pahala) as I could/ I hope so. Due to two main reasons; lazy and bad mood/ giving up.

Even though, I am actually has prepared myself mentally and has been planning very early this year on how I am going to spend my Ramadhan this year.

"I want to make a lot of dua', finish 1 juzu' Al-Quran per day, qiamulail and so on so on and so on." 

And, guess what. I found it to be very difficult to get done. 

To be real honest with you, it such a shame if we did not take this Ramadhan seriously to reduce our past sins and top up as much as we could of our good deeds. There are bountiful, countless, multiple rewards for such a small good deed that we do in Ramadhan in comparison to others month. 

Oh dear me, only a week or so left for me to replace all those wasted nights and days of Ramadhan.
If I am lucky enough not to get ABC (you know what I mean as a woman)


So hungry right now. Actually, I got fed up with my key in marks task now. Huhu. Yeah. 
I should mention some honourable and significant loss in previous weeks of Ramadhan.

💙 1st Sunday of school holiday (2nd Ramadhan), my Mak Ngah in Temerloh passed away after 6         months of treatment in hospital and at house. 

💚 Then, 3 deaths in row of local celebrities starting with Syahid bintang syurga (the son of Bazli UNIC), Shea Rasol and Julia Perez. All due to cancer. 

💛 6 family members were killed at once in a horrible accident at Ladang Risda somewhere2, leaving only one family member survived. How painful and sad it could be for this coming Hari Raya?

💜 Who's next? I also don't know. It might be you or it might be me.

The reality is, every day people is dying and dead. Only we just don't know it because it is not someone who are related to us. It just a really natural way of life cycle. No one is immortal. 


Today, we are breathing. The next day, we are battling with our self only to keep survive. In short, just remember, we are not going to be long here, in dunya. 

Anything we have, will loss. Anything we don't have, it does not matter anymore. 

😉😉😉So, keep praying for jannah and never take for granted what we have today. 😊😊😃

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Stagnant water

In this kind of weather (Its November!), I feel like I am dozing off easily at every seconds of the day.
And, yes I am at the moment. 
Some front paper title I should not miss out to highlight today are;-
  • Fidel Castro, a communist & revolutionary leader in Cuba was dead yesterday at 90 years old.
  • Malaysia was defeated by Myanmar with 0 to 1 score in AFF Suzuki Cub.
  • Rohingya minority muslim ethnic in Myanmar sufferings got full blast coverage in news.
My comments on these three most popular news title, ermmm. Maybe they will be too long and complicated, which require another blog post for me to analyse and write in details. 

Back to my not so important life story.

I don't blame the weather for my recent life's stagnation of any kind of improvements and productions.

I don't really know how long it has been like this or whether how long I plan to remain stagnant and dormant like this. I hope not for my entire life. 

Berat nanang gini.
Memang berat nanang sungguh gini.

Where does motivation and life goals go off, missing or disappear in the thin and cold air of November? I am really not sure for myself. 

If I don't plan for my life, definitely and most certainly I plan for my doomsday. 


Let me be honest. 

I LOOK AT THEM ALMOST EVERY DAY (not on weekends sadly).

(And the last one, I wrote it in very small size writings since it cannot be predictable or necessarily need a lot of hard works, sadly.) 

I even read page by page a motivation book exclusively written by a woman for women to be successful in every aspect of life. Bright in pink, for God's sake !!

Frankly, I hate that book (its kinda boring) but I keep pushing myself to finish reading it. 
It takes a lot of pains for that!!!

What a shame really. I read a motivation book but I don't really like it and nothing really happen.
What a waste of time. 


What else I want to write here? Hurmmmmm. A lot but then I forget. 
I start feeling sleepy again now. 

Oh..I have a dream tooooooo (let's take a guess)......................

🎆🎆 MAKE A LOT OF MONEY VIA BUSINESS (not so extraordinary. normal)
(wohoh. this one I could say quite ambitious for myself. really need strong will to make this real).

But, in the end, I rather lay down and watch some science and news on youtube, twitter or pinterest.
Oh, dear me. Sad me. 

Aku mau lari ke Antartika & berteman sama beruang polar dan penguin.
Supaya aku boleh melambai selamat tinggal kepada kejayaan & keinginan.
Bye2 duniaaaaaaa. Byeeeeee.
(Inilah kata2 seseorang yang bukannya sesiapa,maupun Hamka ataupun Fidel Castro.Huh.)

Sunday, November 20, 2016

1st post in 2016

I feel quite a shame that I never ever once write in this blog during this year.
For some reasons, I googled my name at one night and re-read my whole writings in this blog
(except that was written in 2011. There are too many!!!).

So, I guess I should start writing something for 2016, which will come to the end
in quite some time actually. About 6 weeks from now to be exact.

Happy 20+ years 1 day for me today!!! 🎈🎈🎈🎂🎂

NOOOO. Nope. You cannot guess my date of birth by referring to the date this post is published.
As the date & time for this blog mess up due to I don't know how to change the settings for it.


I wonder how much I have changed since I started writing this blog.
It has been somehow 5 to 6 years honestly. 
Some of the pictures in this blog will never be recovered again, sadly.
As the results of big flood at the end of 2013. 

This post is in short only for my own self-reflection.
Am I really a different person compare to me in 2011?


I keep asking myself the same question again and again after the night I re-read my blog.
I believe myself is very much a different person today than my old person. 
But, I am really not sure how much of myself have changed towards the better me.
It could be 40% or 50% or more.
Or maybe less than that, which quite regrettably to say.

5 to 6 years are not a short period of time. 
Believe me. 
 I will write some big events that have happened to me throughout these years.
(just for the sake of writing something to be read in future time)

🌈 Bersih 5 yesterday. Supermoon last week. 
🌈I went for my Master Convocation couple of weeks before.
🌈 I quit from my job as a science & biology teacher in an international school.
🌈 I got a niece last year. 
🌈 We went to perform umrah. 
🌈 Eki, our second oldest cat was dead by me putting him to sleep.
🌈 and I dont really know what to write anymore.


The enlisted events that I wrote down above actually not even in the right sequence.
Whatever lah.
This is a very deep thought post that using up a lot of my emotion.
I think I know, but should I tell you. Definitely, no. 

I feel as if I am just a speck of dust in the entire world. Seriously. 

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Why everybody is so petrified? Me too..

That's title is actually a line from a song from Fort Minor.
If you share a similar taste in music with the old me (a mixture of rap and rock (maybe)),
you can listen and watch the song below;

This is one of my most favourite Fort Minor's song during my INTEC years. Believe me, I had never listen such kind of these music during my secondary years.


I don't know. I really don't know. Why I feel extremely petrified with some news I heard or read from my close family or media social? Up to the point, I cannot breath and turn into vegetative state or paralysed if I continue thinking about that matter.

I just could not imagine why it is happening and how I will react if I am in their shoes?
Overthinking might turn me into a senile young single lady before the time.

Let's me tell you very briefly what are the news that have made me very petrified last night.


First, I was petrified (still) and felt terribly sorry with my mom's brother ( aka my uncle) when we were informed very suddenly  that his wife was hospitalized due to a very long period of continues vaginal bleeding since early Ramadhan. The doctor suspected for the worst and she must undergo operation.

OMG. I keep saying inalillah...... in my heart.
I really don't know what other dzikr should I said during that time.
I met her during Hari Raya and heard that she felt tired with the long journey but nothing else.
I pray for her good health.

Then, the news shared in the newspaper and media social also does not make the situation even better.


My mom really interested with the news on the missing children, which quite a current hot topic (other than Najib's RM 2.6 billion in his personal account) as Mak Cik2 in my kelas jahitan also discussed the same thing.

I guess, once you have became a mom, you really pay attention any stories related to children's well being. I am actually started to questioning those horrible stories where villain people kidnap young children and cut their organs out in order to sell it to the desperate, filthy rich patients who in need for all sorts of organ replacement.

However, I were extremely petrified looking at the picture attach with the story. Very gore one.
A baby with stomach cut open large with guts out. Terrifying.
I should not write any more details on that.

                                             >>>>>>>>>>> *******<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Last but not the least, the one with the most disturbing effect on me is about a 11 years old girl who give birth to a baby boy, which then died due to complications in the stomach. How very unfortunate that little girl life to have a baby at a very young age.

Not yet entering secondary school, maybe not yet learning about reproductive system in science subject, but have already practice the theory into the real life. OMG, what has happened to our known decent and refine manners Asian culture?.

To whom we should blame and responsible about this matter?
Please don't quickly answer it is solely the parents role.
Our society?
Maybe, more specific and relevant is actually ourselves to be blamed.

The temptations for immoralities are no doubt can sometimes can get extremely hard to be ignored.
Even for someone who is already married can fall into adultery.
No exception, no one.

Pffft, the fact that is terribly true is indeed very petrifying.

                                   >>>>>>>>>> *****<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The only thing that was left behind (I am very sure) to that very young mom after all the games is curiosity. Nothing else.
Sometimes, it is best not to be curious on anything especially something that are clearly forbidden.

That left me curious, who is the father and where he is now?.
Very lucky uh to be a guy, once you did it, you can run away without any problems.
Then, the girl keep sealed her lips tight just to make everyone look her as a victim.

Nice play.