About Me

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Stagnant water


In this kind of weather (Its November!), I feel like I am dozing off easily at every seconds of the day.
And, yes I am at the moment. 
Some front paper title I should not miss out to highlight today are;-
  • Fidel Castro, a communist & revolutionary leader in Cuba was dead yesterday at 90 years old.
  • Malaysia was defeated by Myanmar with 0 to 1 score in AFF Suzuki Cub.
  • Rohingya minority muslim ethnic in Myanmar sufferings got full blast coverage in news.
My comments on these three most popular news title, ermmm. Maybe they will be too long and complicated, which require another blog post for me to analyse and write in details. 



Back to my not so important life story.
🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻

I don't blame the weather for my recent life's stagnation of any kind of improvements and productions.

I don't really know how long it has been like this or whether how long I plan to remain stagnant and dormant like this. I hope not for my entire life. 

Berat nanang gini.
Memang berat nanang sungguh gini.

Where does motivation and life goals go off, missing or disappear in the thin and cold air of November? I am really not sure for myself. 

If I don't plan for my life, definitely and most certainly I plan for my doomsday. 

🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻

Let me be honest. 

YES, I HAVE MY LIFE GOALS AND AIMS THAT I WOULD LIKE TO ACHIEVE.
I LIST 5 OR 6 OF THEM IN THE FRONT PAGE OF MY SMALL GREEN NOTEBOOK. 
I LOOK AT THEM ALMOST EVERY DAY (not on weekends sadly).

(And the last one, I wrote it in very small size writings since it cannot be predictable or necessarily need a lot of hard works, sadly.) 

I even read page by page a motivation book exclusively written by a woman for women to be successful in every aspect of life. Bright in pink, for God's sake !!

Frankly, I hate that book (its kinda boring) but I keep pushing myself to finish reading it. 
It takes a lot of pains for that!!!

What a shame really. I read a motivation book but I don't really like it and nothing really happen.
What a waste of time. 

🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻🔺🔻

What else I want to write here? Hurmmmmm. A lot but then I forget. 
I start feeling sleepy again now. 

Oh..I have a dream tooooooo (let's take a guess)......................

🎆🎆 MAKE A LOT OF MONEY VIA BUSINESS (not so extraordinary. normal)
🎆🎆 COOK A LOT OF DISHES & BREAD, SO, I CAN INVITE PEOPLE EAT AT HOME
(wohoh. this one I could say quite ambitious for myself. really need strong will to make this real).

But, in the end, I rather lay down and watch some science and news on youtube, twitter or pinterest.
Oh, dear me. Sad me. 

Aku mau lari ke Antartika & berteman sama beruang polar dan penguin.
Supaya aku boleh melambai selamat tinggal kepada kejayaan & keinginan.
Bye2 duniaaaaaaa. Byeeeeee.
(Inilah kata2 seseorang yang bukannya sesiapa,maupun Hamka ataupun Fidel Castro.Huh.)



Sunday, November 20, 2016

1st post in 2016

I feel quite a shame that I never ever once write in this blog during this year.
For some reasons, I googled my name at one night and re-read my whole writings in this blog
(except that was written in 2011. There are too many!!!).

So, I guess I should start writing something for 2016, which will come to the end
in quite some time actually. About 6 weeks from now to be exact.

Happy 20+ years 1 day for me today!!! 🎈🎈🎈🎂🎂

NOOOO. Nope. You cannot guess my date of birth by referring to the date this post is published.
As the date & time for this blog mess up due to I don't know how to change the settings for it.

💎💮🍇🍈🍉🍊🍋🌿🌽🌼🌸🍀🌺💎💮🍇🍈🍉🍊🍋🌿🌽🌼🌸🍀🌺


I wonder how much I have changed since I started writing this blog.
It has been somehow 5 to 6 years honestly. 
Some of the pictures in this blog will never be recovered again, sadly.
As the results of big flood at the end of 2013. 

This post is in short only for my own self-reflection.
Am I really a different person compare to me in 2011?

🌼🌸🍀🌺💎💮🍇


I keep asking myself the same question again and again after the night I re-read my blog.
I believe myself is very much a different person today than my old person. 
But, I am really not sure how much of myself have changed towards the better me.
It could be 40% or 50% or more.
Or maybe less than that, which quite regrettably to say.

5 to 6 years are not a short period of time. 
Believe me. 
 I will write some big events that have happened to me throughout these years.
(just for the sake of writing something to be read in future time)

🌈 Bersih 5 yesterday. Supermoon last week. 
🌈I went for my Master Convocation couple of weeks before.
🌈 I quit from my job as a science & biology teacher in an international school.
🌈 I got a niece last year. 
🌈 We went to perform umrah. 
🌈 Eki, our second oldest cat was dead by me putting him to sleep.
🌈 and I dont really know what to write anymore.

🌼🌸🍀🌺💎💮🍇

The enlisted events that I wrote down above actually not even in the right sequence.
Whatever lah.
This is a very deep thought post that using up a lot of my emotion.
Why?
I think I know, but should I tell you. Definitely, no. 

I feel as if I am just a speck of dust in the entire world. Seriously. 
Hopeless.Hapless. 

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Why everybody is so petrified? Me too..

That's title is actually a line from a song from Fort Minor.
If you share a similar taste in music with the old me (a mixture of rap and rock (maybe)),
you can listen and watch the song below;


This is one of my most favourite Fort Minor's song during my INTEC years. Believe me, I had never listen such kind of these music during my secondary years.

                                          >>>>>>>>>>>>>****<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I don't know. I really don't know. Why I feel extremely petrified with some news I heard or read from my close family or media social? Up to the point, I cannot breath and turn into vegetative state or paralysed if I continue thinking about that matter.

I just could not imagine why it is happening and how I will react if I am in their shoes?
Overthinking might turn me into a senile young single lady before the time.

Let's me tell you very briefly what are the news that have made me very petrified last night.

                                           >>>>>>>>>>>>*****<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

First, I was petrified (still) and felt terribly sorry with my mom's brother ( aka my uncle) when we were informed very suddenly  that his wife was hospitalized due to a very long period of continues vaginal bleeding since early Ramadhan. The doctor suspected for the worst and she must undergo operation.

OMG. I keep saying inalillah...... in my heart.
I really don't know what other dzikr should I said during that time.
I met her during Hari Raya and heard that she felt tired with the long journey but nothing else.
I pray for her good health.

Then, the news shared in the newspaper and media social also does not make the situation even better.

                                                  >>>>>>>>>>*****<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

My mom really interested with the news on the missing children, which quite a current hot topic (other than Najib's RM 2.6 billion in his personal account) as Mak Cik2 in my kelas jahitan also discussed the same thing.

I guess, once you have became a mom, you really pay attention any stories related to children's well being. I am actually started to questioning those horrible stories where villain people kidnap young children and cut their organs out in order to sell it to the desperate, filthy rich patients who in need for all sorts of organ replacement.

However, I were extremely petrified looking at the picture attach with the story. Very gore one.
A baby with stomach cut open large with guts out. Terrifying.
I should not write any more details on that.

                                             >>>>>>>>>>> *******<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


Last but not the least, the one with the most disturbing effect on me is about a 11 years old girl who give birth to a baby boy, which then died due to complications in the stomach. How very unfortunate that little girl life to have a baby at a very young age.

Not yet entering secondary school, maybe not yet learning about reproductive system in science subject, but have already practice the theory into the real life. OMG, what has happened to our known decent and refine manners Asian culture?.

To whom we should blame and responsible about this matter?
Please don't quickly answer it is solely the parents role.
Our society?
Maybe, more specific and relevant is actually ourselves to be blamed.

The temptations for immoralities are no doubt can sometimes can get extremely hard to be ignored.
Even for someone who is already married can fall into adultery.
No exception, no one.

Pffft, the fact that is terribly true is indeed very petrifying.

                                   >>>>>>>>>> *****<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The only thing that was left behind (I am very sure) to that very young mom after all the games is curiosity. Nothing else.
Sometimes, it is best not to be curious on anything especially something that are clearly forbidden.

That left me curious, who is the father and where he is now?.
Very lucky uh to be a guy, once you did it, you can run away without any problems.
Then, the girl keep sealed her lips tight just to make everyone look her as a victim.

Nice play.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Batu karang di gigi

Somehow, one question suddenly popped out in my mind right now.
"What teeth are made of?"
I guess they are made from calcium, similar to the bone and gallstone (batu karang) as well
as sea shell. Very tough and solid material to build one vital part of human body.

Is it the right term to use 'part of human body', very sorry if I am using the wrong terms as I have never had any formal education in anatomy subject.

* * *  ^^^  ***

Anyway, I had my second dental check up in 14 years today. Again, 14 YEARS.
So, it was quite a big life event for me every time I met a dentist since I got my whole set of permanent teeth.
I know, I know that everyone should seek dentist every six months, but I am very concerned about
the fees as you know I have no income to spend bulk of money only for teeth.

Besides, I am not really interested a.k.a SEGAN to ask money again and again from my parent.
But, I would like to thank my mom, A LOT OF THANK YOU for keeping her eye on my teeth.
At one time before Ramadhan , she keeps commenting, nasty comments about how my teeth look.

Because of that, I keep worrying about my teeth's health condition.
Huhu. But, not all the time I could say as I still can consume a lot of sugary food without any issues.

* * * ^ ^ ^ * * *

I hope you have not jump into the conclusion that I am a very bad person at cleaning my teeth.
Ewww, what a mucky person she is.

Nooo, nope, no. I would like to consider myself as 'clumsy at following routine before bed time'.
Should I explain into details? I hope not.
You sure can get what I mean.

Whenever I wanna to sleep, I just go to sleep. As simple as that.
On top of that, living at the hostel (boarding school) even encourage me more not to practice good dental hygiene before sleep as you need to go to the scary toilet at the end of the floor, at the time when people were not that many.

* * * ^ ^ ^ * * *

Begin from there, I never really thought about my teeth's health condition anymore.
By the way, my teeth never make me agony in pain. So, it should be fine.

* * * ^ ^ ^ * * *

I were very lucky enough that my teeth and gum were very tough enough to maintain preserve with the presence of a lot of nasty bacteria and evil plaque for many years.

I am still never knew how did they manage that brutal and horrendous condition in my mouth.

During my secondary school, I were actually feeling the need to meet the dental nurse worked in my previous primary school. I am still remember her very light skin similar to Chinese women, and her house with very high gate, which I barely see the compound of her house.

The memories still fresh in my mind when we need to squat near to the small drain (longkang) to practice the right way of brushing our teeth. The dental clinic room at the third level and the regular meetings with the dental nurse, which might happen almost every month where she made some signs on certain small squares represents each teeth I had at that time in the two pages green card.

The experience when I felt my cheek gradually increase in size (kembang) and very numb when the nurse injected some kind of anesthetic drug in order to remove the perforated milk tooth. Some friends showed their tooth with grey filling or in Malay, tampal gigi. 

I really miss the periodical meetings with the dental nurse after I finished my primary school, but somehow time pass by and I just forgot the importance of regular check up for teeth anymore, even the most correct way how to keep my teeth healthy.

* * ^ ^ ^ * * *

My front teeth were the most affected after years and years of negligence by me.
They changed position as the plaques pushed everything aside as the plaques increased in size and thus, required more spaces.
So, my front teeth got gaps here and there, which is somehow make myself cannot stop feeling the gap with my tongue. It is very huge and uncomfortable to left it like that, as if I can grow something else there on the free space between the teeth.

Maybe roses or petunia. To add colours in my mouth.

I feel quite sorry for my teeth. I am very sorry and I will do my best to take care of you after this.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Pagi dan rezeki

Sesetengah orang memang ada masalah untuk bangun pagi.
Tapi, saya bukanlah orang yang begitu kecuali kalau saya berjaga malam itu.
Selalunya saya berjaga disebabkan tengok movie kat laptop ataupun di tv.
Stay up untuk buat kerja memang sgt jarang dah sekarang ni.

Mungkin sebab pengurusan masa yang lebih teratur kottt.
Haha. Kemungkinan yang agak meragukan.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Saya pernah baca satu pesanan nasihat mengenai orang yang suka tidur lepas subuh termasuklah
orang yang tidur tapi bangun semula untuk solat dhuha.
Tak tahulah saudara/i pembaca bersetuju atau tidak dengan apa yang dikongsikan.

Kata2nya lebih kurang macam nilah; orang yang suka tidur lepas subuh adalah orang yang tidak
bersyukur dan sangat angkuh dan bongkak pada yang memberi rezeki, Allah sebab terang2an waktu pagi itu adalah waktu pintu rezeki terbuka dengan luas.

Waktu mula2 baca tu macam...hurm, ok. whatever.
But, kata2 mesej yang agak panjang tu seringkali pula diimbas semula dalam kepala ni setiap kali bangun lambat waktu pagi.

Tidak ada keraguan langsung dalam kebenaran kata2 itu.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Saya jujurnya selalu rasa bersalah kalau waktu terluang saya terbiar begitu sahaja dengan bermalas malasan. Senang kata, orang yang tidur selepas subuh adalah orang yang pemalas.

Super duper pemalas. Kaki tidur. Tidak ada matlamat hidup. Tidak fikir jauh.

Dang. Semuanya itu adalah label2 yang saya tak nak ada kaitan langsung sepanjang saya hidup ni.
Malangnya, dengan keazaman yang rapuh, saya tak fikir tidur selepas subuh adalah masalah besar, kronik dan serius.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Saya memang ada masalah kehidupan yang paling serius, penyakit paling bahaya bila tak mahu berhenti tidur lepas subuh.

MEMANG SILAP BESOOOOOR!!!!!

Perjalanan hari saya yang dimulakan dengan tidur pagi terasa sangat pendek dan rugi, walhal saya membuat kerja2 secara produktif, cekap dan cepat sekali pada sebelah tengahari/petang.

Saya mula berasa sangat yakin, mungkin 80% rezeki saya untuk hari itu telah lebur atau lesap dimamah oleh bahang pagi disebabkan saya terlalu sibuk bergolek golek diatas tilam empuk.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Untuk berapa juta kesekian kalinya, saya berasa menyesal dengan amalan tidur selepas subuh.
Saya tak akan mati pun kalau tak tidur cuma itulah, orang yang pemalas dan dungu akan buat juga berulang ulang kali sebab rasa itulah keenakan nikmat rezeki pagi yang paling tak boleh dilepaskan.

Hakikatnya, adalah sebaliknya.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Kalau hendak dan mahu, gunung api pun aku sanggup daki dan tawan.
Inikan pula tidur lepas subuh.

Friday, July 10, 2015

So, what's next? Money and more money.

Please, don't make your own conclusion based on that title only.
Yes, I aim to get a lot of money after I studied so hard since I were seven years old in a very damaging education system. That means I spend almost 2 decade of my life only for studying.
Yeah, right. Not bad, huh.

I don't complain. The past has been past, so, just let it go.
But, for my next generation, I hope they might want to learn survival life lesson other than only reading and finishing their homework in the book.
Who knows when the earth quake or war might happen in the future?
Who knows but I hope there will be minimal, very very minimal chances or none of these to be happen.

For my future daughters, I will start training you to love kitchen at the very early age.
So, we can share a hobby together.
The more the merrier. Hehe. AS IF.
(Lately, I could not stop berangan on many things. So, just forget it, ok.)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * ** * * * * ** * * * * * * * ** *

Berangan, that the key word for this entry.
So, the very young UIA counselor lady encouraged me to keep having big dreams for the sake of
self motivation. Yeah, absolutely true in a way.
From there, I am no longer stopping myself to start planning and planning non stop for the future.
There are 1001 possibilities to be successful, but in the end, I fail to choose which one I should
focus and aim first before I start looking another challenges to be achieved.

My parents start joking around whenever I started talking some kind of ambitions I would like to work on in the future, since I keep talking but nothing has been working out in order to fulfill that aims.

Senang cite, macam cerita angan-angan Mat Jenin, macam tin kosong.
Cakap banyak, tapi habuk satu pun tarak ada.

I don't blame them to underestimate my capabilities since I have never tried to prove to them that I am very serious on what I aim for!!!

For now, the situation is more or less likes that, not much changes to be honest.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


To think again, I were once got a smirk smile from this one very brilliant pHD sister when I were studying in Australia as I told her I want to further my pHD in another country (which I cannot mention it here). For some reasons, after couple of years when I remember back my discussion with her, she was actually quite arrogant with her almost perfect education and life achievements. Got married, had a son and further her post doc study in almost effortless way. Perhaps.

Anyway, maybe I am the one who was being the jerk in the first place, boasting around on something about myself to the juniors I met there.

So, here I am, jobless, confuse on what I want in my life and not yet a loser, but most probably yes if I continue losing track with my ongoing life's journey. Very short one and not knowing when it will approaching the due date.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * ** * * * * * * * *  **

I cannot really focusing on writing this entry anymore. Everyone keep updating their story in this living room.

Let's continue again.

So, a few of my UIA friends asked me when I will do my pHD? I guess all my fellows postgraduates friends' ultimate aim is to get a pHD by hook or by crook disregard on whatever research they interested in. As long as, doing a pHD in Kuantan.

Again, I shouldn't be biased on them and judging them solely on my very own view without even asking what are their plans for the future, which I am very sure to be a lecturer in a university.
I am tired of this kind of future predictions without any certainty about it.
Frustrated and agitated, I start feeling annoyed with friends who continue pHD straight after Master without any worries about paying their study loan.

Why nobody even care to find a job and make a living?!!!
Don't they want some time out from reading scientific journals, spending day in and day out in the laboratory and taking a very good care on their animals specimens as if they are their beloved children?

Could you feel my frustration towards them?
Whatever, who I am to decide what they want to do with their life. Go to hell lah about my opinions.
I wish all my UIA friend who's doing pHD to be the best among the best in their pHD study.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * *  * * * * ** * * * * * * * * *


My last point for tonight is about make a living.
Since I went back from studying abroad, my living cost has been fully supported by my parent.
My daily need such as food, living place, transportation and clothes does not cost much money.
Most probably since I am not very fond with shopping and eating out.
I just live on whatever terms I were on and not complaining at all except for freedom to have a better social life, which I doubt also has so much interest in me.

I have to meet my business-minded main supervisor several times in order to get his signature on my forms, which is quite awkward and unfriendly if he never asked anything about me and just straight away signed in the paper and waived goodbye. Very unlikely to happen like that unless he is very busy on that morning/afternoon.

The most popular questions he keep asking me lately are like these;-
"How's your job hunting has been lately, Fazilah? It is very tough to get a job nowadays."
"So, what else you do at home? Have you done any online business right now? What? No.
You got internet connection at home, right?",
" You should do business, Fazilah. Look at me, Honestly, I don't need this lecturer job that only pay me RM10,000 per month as compared to my business that worth even more. Almost all my down line can get RM 30,000 per month regardless their very low education qualification (SPM only)".

Yes, yes, yes...time is money and money is time.
Saying is a lot easier than doing it. Anyway, thank you for encouraging me to start a business, which
I found it is very very very risky and terrifying to begin with.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Enough then. You make your own conclusion.
I cannot open my eyes already.


An ending to my study's story

I am quite under weather actually while writing this.
After two days of painful throat, the cough starts showing its true colour.
But, I prefer coughing than keep swallowing saliva as if it can make the pain in the throat disappear.
As far as I could remember, I had never fall sick during Ramadhan.

But, I couldn't be 100% sure, this is my first time in my entire 20++ of living.
To add another painful story, I accidentally cut my index finger while trying to pulling out ayam percik from its bamboo stick.
I were terribly shock (not really) at the sight of red blood started oozing slowly from my very thin skin. I never knew that bamboo could be as sharp as knife. Nice.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * *

I love writing this blog. Sometimes, I got soo many idea but then I just put it aside thinking that its quite troublesome to sit in front of the laptop only to mumbling around on some cheesy things.

After couple of months spending wee hours by day and night catching up my keep-changing-due date to complete my Master's thesis, I found writing is really much a very passive job.
I gained soo much weight during that writing period without I realised it as I never really need to walk around to do something, but solely face the screen and crack my brain.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  * * * * *   ** * ** ** * * * ** * * * *

To be honest, the beginning to make myself giving all out commitment on writing was very difficult, harder than ever since I am at the very comfortable zone of my life.

But suddenly, the reality kicked in when I was obviously rejected by the panelist during the SPA interview. I knew I were not the chosen one immediately by the very sharp and haughty comments I got after I were literally begging for the job.

Kerja gomen siot, sape tak nak.

I were actually stop writing at all for a week before the interview in order to focus only on reading and remembering everything related to the position, only to be totally emotionally beaten up after that.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
To make this story short, I went to the counselling center in UIA since I got nightmares for one or two nights after that. I were very miserable and entirely giving up on writing after the interview.

To end the story, I managed to finish my entire thesis writing about 2 months and probably a week or two to check the format by myself and send it to my supervisors. But, the entire process to be officially finish my Master's study is still going on and may take another couple of months.

After all, I feel very grateful to Allah for granting me to be broken heart during the interview, so I got the forceful push from back to never give up and keep fighting !!!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * ** * * *  * *

But, but, but the motivation dies with times and old habits relapse after that.
There will be another entry on that. Soon after this one.