No one have ever told me how valuable I am to them. Even my parents. But, that does not mean they don't love me. They love me through acts not words. So, somehow I just feel very unsure of my own self value to them and other people.
After all, love is a verb. Words are unnecessary, acts are more important.
You are reading this because you want to know what my most stupid thing I ever did to myself in my whole life. I have done it many times but this time I got the lesson in very hard way.
I DEVALUE MYSELF AT ALMOST NO PRICE TAG AT ALL.
LIKE TRASH OR EVEN WORST.
I feel soo ashamed just to think how bad I perceive my self-worth.
If you don't respect yourself, no one will.
Everyone can sense how you carry yourself around them.
It just a norm that people don't usually likes to find others' people beauty or talents.
They just love to pinpoint and highlights your underachievement and weaknesses.
It just soo human.
I can't blame them for being mean as Allah has created human to be like that.
Full with envy and bad desire to other people.
Except persons who believe with all their heart that Allah is the best planner.
As I get older and older, people around me somehow starts giving me more pressure and pressure about my spinster status, indirectly or directly.
Indirectly is when all my ex-schoolmate with 2 or 3 kids started discussing how happy they are with their kids and how lucky they got pregnant at first attempt. Yeap.
They even announced their target of achievement to get the 4th and 5th children for the next 2 years.
Yep, pretty much something likes that.
Directly, of course from my own family. They said something likes I am single for too long, sooo tak laku. Or they keep asking me whether I have boyfriend or not. Or they quietly plan to wear specific colour for Hari Raya and left you alone with your own colour of choice. Then, only me wearing different colour from their theme colour.
That's how the situation for me.
Thus, I grow weaker, feeble, hopeless and hapless by year to year.
I don't see I have any self worth anymore as long as I hold this title; andartu.
So, I start taking initiative to get rid this spinster status. I abhor this status.
Everyone looks down and pity me because of this.
But, basically the rule is very simple. What you think about yourself will cause people see the same way you see yourself. If it was bad, like mine.....sooo, other people will see it triple or more worst that you are actually is. Just keep that in your mind.
To make the story short, I met a guy. I don't really know him but from outside, he is pretty awesome.
We started contact each other but in the second week, I knew this guy is not a nice guy.
But, I am too weak and hapless to end the relationship. The most toxic relationship you could have.
Because of what?
Because I am soooooo stupid to believe my self-worth depending on my single or married status!!!.
So, I got the lesson in very hard way.
He broke up with me, gladly and I don't want to care about him anymore.
He is the most terrible guy which I could never thought could exist in this whole universe.
Enough about him. Pfftttt.....
Here, a few things I learn from my mistake.
💛 Please don't let other people control what you want in my life.
💜 Have some respects to yourself. Who can respect you if you don't respect yourself.
💙 Bad guys are many. Don't fall for one.
💚 How terrible people surrounds treat you because you are spinster, stay true to your own value. You know how valuable you are.
💛 Being spinster is not a sin act. Being a wife and disrespect your husband is a huge sin.
💜 Feeling down, run to Allah. Feeling low, run to Allah. Feeling alone, again run to Allah.
💙 This is only a test.
💚 Embrace your singleness.
💛 YOU MUST KNOW YOUR OWN SELF WORTH 💜
Below, some quote I got to share.