Hey June?!

A lot of things have happened throughout this year.
I keep trying not to write them down in this blog.
or anywhere in the internet.
I mean FB or everything that fall in the same category.

Today, I feel I could not hold it any longer.
This headache actually trigger me to write this.
Let hear me making some grumblings and grunts.

Starting from last school holiday, I have to take care of kindergarten children.
I thought it should be fine as it will be lasting only for 2 weeks.
These kids should be a piece of cake.
From 2 weeks, it continues to be 3 weeks.
As, one of their teacher is already quit.

I think I must made up my mind to quit this job.
Besides, my study is not looking so bright at this point.
My biggest obstacle is doing statistical analysis.
I keep delaying the task since I am too overwhelmed about doing it.

I am always afraid that I might doing the statistical analysis wrong.
I think this story should be enough for the time being.
I wish I could be more focus on what I want to strive for in my life.

Terbeban dengan soalan kehidupan

Kewujudan blog ini tidak pernah dilupakan.
Kesibukan itu menghidupkan.

Seperti titis hujan buat anak benih kecil.
Namun, hujan yang lebat akan reda juga akhirnya.
Dan, persoalan2 yang sengaja dilupakan mula terbit dan sirna.

Dibalik kepulan2 awan yang kelabu dan berat ditiup angin.
Percikan sinar mencuri keluar.
Bertukarlah awanan kelabu berat menjadi putih kapas yang ringan.

Sinar cahaya itu. . .
Dan persoalan yang membebankan. .
Alangkah bagusnya kalau alam ini berhenti berputar..
Untuk seketika. .
Atau selama-lamanya..
Satu kemustahilan yang nyata. .

Persoalan kehidupan yang betul2 membebankan
Ke manakah hala tuju masa yang terkandung dalam hari2 mu?
Mengapa kau bertindak begitu sedangkan ada cara begini?
Bodohlah engkau memilih jalan yang kau fikir menguntungkan itu.
Semuanya salah.

Apa yang kau mahu sebenarnya dari ku?
Agar kau menjadi lebih berjaya dan bahagia dari sekarang.
Itu sahaja permintaanku setiap masa.
Dan, itu jugalah cita2ku dalam setiap nafas.

Kehidupan ini berlalu terlalu pantas.
Aku seperti sengaja merugikan setiap peluang.
Hal yang sebenarnya,
Aku penuh dengan perancangan.

Akan ku buktikan..
Akan ku buktikan..
Akan ku buktikan..

Selagi hayat dikandung badan.
Aku akan berjuang untuk menjadi lebih bahagia dan berjaya.

Update 03/2013- Initiation

It has been only this week I started my lab.
I thought it should be very simple and quick.
But, it happens to be 'Everything is new to me. What should I do? What should I do?'.

Terkial kial.

I am up to the challenges.
But, (one more time)....
it really worn me out.
Very tired.

Hoho. What to say.
In short, I am 'manja' person.
It only 2 days of lab work, I already feel I want to have a day off.

Huhu. 

Hati di kepala

Rencah pancaroba tak pernah malap
Maraknya menyala nyala menghapus gelap
Hati pun semakin terbakar hampir kasap
Sehingga asap mengelabui kepala hingga lesap
Lesap digantikan hati dengan segunung harap

(sambung kemudian)

Bukan nak kata

Kata mengata memang tabiat keji
Tapi kejinya tidaklah lekat di hati
Manisnya keji hingga lidah menjilat jari
Buta betapa ada maruah terkecai
Pekak betapa ada raungan sedu mengilai
Bisu betapa ada kewarasan diri terbarai

Ah, bukan nak kata pemudah bicara
Semuanya berasa dia benar sentiasa
Benar teramat benar dalam semuanya
Bernas tersungguh benar dalam semuanya
Bagus tersangat bagus dalam segalanya
Orang lain adalah perosak keamanan dunia

Oh, ada masalah sama itu manusia
Dia manusia dan aku manusia
Siapa yang lebih benar berlawan mata dan kata
Siapa yang lebih benar sebenarnya?
Siapa yang boleh menjadi hakim dunia diantara keduanya?
Bukan manusia sudah tentunya!

Diam pun kata

Sebiji buku tebal putih diam di para
Tajuk hitam besar di kulit keras muka
Di situ katanya, "Ingin Jadi Pujangga"
Penulisnya dengan nama A.Samad bukan Said akhirnya
Mungkin Ismail- berkelana dengan kisah sebelum merdeka
Sudah beberapa purnama
Buku tebal dengan mimpi jadi pujangga tidak dapat dijumpa
Hilang begitu sahaja
Mungkin ada insan lain turut jatuh cinta samanya
Dibawa pergi dan aku setia menanti kelibat putih warnanya
di atas para tempat diamnya sentiasa
Kerna penantian ini tak akan sia-sia
Kerna tanpa mimpi dan kelana pujangga
pun tidak mengapa
Kerna diam pun kata

Vanish me

I feel so alone this whole week. I am afraid I might hurt somebody or many of them due to my abrupt missing in the postgraduate room.

It is not complicated as people might think. I am not running away from them, but I prefer library due to I can focus on reading. I can find books easily without need to borrow and carry them back to the room. Those big and thick and heavy books are really draining my energy out.

I wish I could explain this to them.

Due to this, I always think to vanish myself lately.
It is sort of a vacuum place in me that cannot be described due to my 'running away' action.

I wish I could make this feeling go away.

                                                       (source: Tumblr)

* * * * * * * * * * *
Other than that, things go very smoothly.
My parent, especially my father is very happy and proud with his just renovated, larger house.
I have my own bedroom now, where I can sleep and wake up whenever I want (without disturbing my older, special sister).
Unfortunately, it is next to the kitchen.
Too noisy in the morning when my mother starts cooking.

More friends are getting married this year.
I am not even trying to meet someone, as I continue pretending it is not a big matter.
Whenever a guy friend is asking about ' when/do you want to get married soon?' (which is a very rare occasions to me), I instantly answering him 'NO, NOT AT THE MOMENT'.
Haha.
It works anyway in order to change the topic.

But, but.. I really enjoy listening to Malay classic romantic songs every evening in the car.
It's such a very nice and self-soothing way to forget about the marriage issue.
No rush.

Finally, I keep thinking to myself about doing a hobby which can turn out to be a big business.
I am determined to make it as a reality, not a daydream only.
Sadly, there are always hurdles in motivating myself on making it real.
Very sad, indeed.

* * * * * * * * * * * *
I am not sure how to contact Lina, who told me last time is coming back to Malaysia this January.
Gosh, it is already in the end of January.
Sometimes, I just cannot understand why I react this way to my friends.
As if, I never care about them.

So, just vanish me from my friend's memory maybe is the best way.