Pagi dan rezeki

Sesetengah orang memang ada masalah untuk bangun pagi.
Tapi, saya bukanlah orang yang begitu kecuali kalau saya berjaga malam itu.
Selalunya saya berjaga disebabkan tengok movie kat laptop ataupun di tv.
Stay up untuk buat kerja memang sgt jarang dah sekarang ni.

Mungkin sebab pengurusan masa yang lebih teratur kottt.
Haha. Kemungkinan yang agak meragukan.

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Saya pernah baca satu pesanan nasihat mengenai orang yang suka tidur lepas subuh termasuklah
orang yang tidur tapi bangun semula untuk solat dhuha.
Tak tahulah saudara/i pembaca bersetuju atau tidak dengan apa yang dikongsikan.

Kata2nya lebih kurang macam nilah; orang yang suka tidur lepas subuh adalah orang yang tidak
bersyukur dan sangat angkuh dan bongkak pada yang memberi rezeki, Allah sebab terang2an waktu pagi itu adalah waktu pintu rezeki terbuka dengan luas.

Waktu mula2 baca tu macam...hurm, ok. whatever.
But, kata2 mesej yang agak panjang tu seringkali pula diimbas semula dalam kepala ni setiap kali bangun lambat waktu pagi.

Tidak ada keraguan langsung dalam kebenaran kata2 itu.

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Saya jujurnya selalu rasa bersalah kalau waktu terluang saya terbiar begitu sahaja dengan bermalas malasan. Senang kata, orang yang tidur selepas subuh adalah orang yang pemalas.

Super duper pemalas. Kaki tidur. Tidak ada matlamat hidup. Tidak fikir jauh.

Dang. Semuanya itu adalah label2 yang saya tak nak ada kaitan langsung sepanjang saya hidup ni.
Malangnya, dengan keazaman yang rapuh, saya tak fikir tidur selepas subuh adalah masalah besar, kronik dan serius.


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Saya memang ada masalah kehidupan yang paling serius, penyakit paling bahaya bila tak mahu berhenti tidur lepas subuh.

MEMANG SILAP BESOOOOOR!!!!!

Perjalanan hari saya yang dimulakan dengan tidur pagi terasa sangat pendek dan rugi, walhal saya membuat kerja2 secara produktif, cekap dan cepat sekali pada sebelah tengahari/petang.

Saya mula berasa sangat yakin, mungkin 80% rezeki saya untuk hari itu telah lebur atau lesap dimamah oleh bahang pagi disebabkan saya terlalu sibuk bergolek golek diatas tilam empuk.


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Untuk berapa juta kesekian kalinya, saya berasa menyesal dengan amalan tidur selepas subuh.
Saya tak akan mati pun kalau tak tidur cuma itulah, orang yang pemalas dan dungu akan buat juga berulang ulang kali sebab rasa itulah keenakan nikmat rezeki pagi yang paling tak boleh dilepaskan.

Hakikatnya, adalah sebaliknya.

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Kalau hendak dan mahu, gunung api pun aku sanggup daki dan tawan.
Inikan pula tidur lepas subuh.

So, what's next? Money and more money.

Please, don't make your own conclusion based on that title only.
Yes, I aim to get a lot of money after I studied so hard since I were seven years old in a very damaging education system. That means I spend almost 2 decade of my life only for studying.
Yeah, right. Not bad, huh.

I don't complain. The past has been past, so, just let it go.
But, for my next generation, I hope they might want to learn survival life lesson other than only reading and finishing their homework in the book.
Who knows when the earth quake or war might happen in the future?
Who knows but I hope there will be minimal, very very minimal chances or none of these to be happen.

For my future daughters, I will start training you to love kitchen at the very early age.
So, we can share a hobby together.
The more the merrier. Hehe. AS IF.
(Lately, I could not stop berangan on many things. So, just forget it, ok.)

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Berangan, that the key word for this entry.
So, the very young UIA counselor lady encouraged me to keep having big dreams for the sake of
self motivation. Yeah, absolutely true in a way.
From there, I am no longer stopping myself to start planning and planning non stop for the future.
There are 1001 possibilities to be successful, but in the end, I fail to choose which one I should
focus and aim first before I start looking another challenges to be achieved.

My parents start joking around whenever I started talking some kind of ambitions I would like to work on in the future, since I keep talking but nothing has been working out in order to fulfill that aims.

Senang cite, macam cerita angan-angan Mat Jenin, macam tin kosong.
Cakap banyak, tapi habuk satu pun tarak ada.

I don't blame them to underestimate my capabilities since I have never tried to prove to them that I am very serious on what I aim for!!!

For now, the situation is more or less likes that, not much changes to be honest.


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To think again, I were once got a smirk smile from this one very brilliant pHD sister when I were studying in Australia as I told her I want to further my pHD in another country (which I cannot mention it here). For some reasons, after couple of years when I remember back my discussion with her, she was actually quite arrogant with her almost perfect education and life achievements. Got married, had a son and further her post doc study in almost effortless way. Perhaps.

Anyway, maybe I am the one who was being the jerk in the first place, boasting around on something about myself to the juniors I met there.

So, here I am, jobless, confuse on what I want in my life and not yet a loser, but most probably yes if I continue losing track with my ongoing life's journey. Very short one and not knowing when it will approaching the due date.


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I cannot really focusing on writing this entry anymore. Everyone keep updating their story in this living room.

Let's continue again.

So, a few of my UIA friends asked me when I will do my pHD? I guess all my fellows postgraduates friends' ultimate aim is to get a pHD by hook or by crook disregard on whatever research they interested in. As long as, doing a pHD in Kuantan.

Again, I shouldn't be biased on them and judging them solely on my very own view without even asking what are their plans for the future, which I am very sure to be a lecturer in a university.
I am tired of this kind of future predictions without any certainty about it.
Frustrated and agitated, I start feeling annoyed with friends who continue pHD straight after Master without any worries about paying their study loan.

Why nobody even care to find a job and make a living?!!!
Don't they want some time out from reading scientific journals, spending day in and day out in the laboratory and taking a very good care on their animals specimens as if they are their beloved children?

Could you feel my frustration towards them?
Whatever, who I am to decide what they want to do with their life. Go to hell lah about my opinions.
I wish all my UIA friend who's doing pHD to be the best among the best in their pHD study.

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My last point for tonight is about make a living.
Since I went back from studying abroad, my living cost has been fully supported by my parent.
My daily need such as food, living place, transportation and clothes does not cost much money.
Most probably since I am not very fond with shopping and eating out.
I just live on whatever terms I were on and not complaining at all except for freedom to have a better social life, which I doubt also has so much interest in me.

I have to meet my business-minded main supervisor several times in order to get his signature on my forms, which is quite awkward and unfriendly if he never asked anything about me and just straight away signed in the paper and waived goodbye. Very unlikely to happen like that unless he is very busy on that morning/afternoon.

The most popular questions he keep asking me lately are like these;-
"How's your job hunting has been lately, Fazilah? It is very tough to get a job nowadays."
"So, what else you do at home? Have you done any online business right now? What? No.
You got internet connection at home, right?",
" You should do business, Fazilah. Look at me, Honestly, I don't need this lecturer job that only pay me RM10,000 per month as compared to my business that worth even more. Almost all my down line can get RM 30,000 per month regardless their very low education qualification (SPM only)".

Yes, yes, yes...time is money and money is time.
Saying is a lot easier than doing it. Anyway, thank you for encouraging me to start a business, which
I found it is very very very risky and terrifying to begin with.

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Enough then. You make your own conclusion.
I cannot open my eyes already.

An ending to my study's story

I am quite under weather actually while writing this.
After two days of painful throat, the cough starts showing its true colour.
But, I prefer coughing than keep swallowing saliva as if it can make the pain in the throat disappear.
As far as I could remember, I had never fall sick during Ramadhan.

But, I couldn't be 100% sure, this is my first time in my entire 20++ of living.
To add another painful story, I accidentally cut my index finger while trying to pulling out ayam percik from its bamboo stick.
I were terribly shock (not really) at the sight of red blood started oozing slowly from my very thin skin. I never knew that bamboo could be as sharp as knife. Nice.

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I love writing this blog. Sometimes, I got soo many idea but then I just put it aside thinking that its quite troublesome to sit in front of the laptop only to mumbling around on some cheesy things.

After couple of months spending wee hours by day and night catching up my keep-changing-due date to complete my Master's thesis, I found writing is really much a very passive job.
I gained soo much weight during that writing period without I realised it as I never really need to walk around to do something, but solely face the screen and crack my brain.

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To be honest, the beginning to make myself giving all out commitment on writing was very difficult, harder than ever since I am at the very comfortable zone of my life.

But suddenly, the reality kicked in when I was obviously rejected by the panelist during the SPA interview. I knew I were not the chosen one immediately by the very sharp and haughty comments I got after I were literally begging for the job.

Kerja gomen siot, sape tak nak.

I were actually stop writing at all for a week before the interview in order to focus only on reading and remembering everything related to the position, only to be totally emotionally beaten up after that.

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To make this story short, I went to the counselling center in UIA since I got nightmares for one or two nights after that. I were very miserable and entirely giving up on writing after the interview.

To end the story, I managed to finish my entire thesis writing about 2 months and probably a week or two to check the format by myself and send it to my supervisors. But, the entire process to be officially finish my Master's study is still going on and may take another couple of months.

After all, I feel very grateful to Allah for granting me to be broken heart during the interview, so I got the forceful push from back to never give up and keep fighting !!!

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But, but, but the motivation dies with times and old habits relapse after that.
There will be another entry on that. Soon after this one.

The Future ?

Starting last month, I find myself under great pressure.
I barely can breath normally sometimes, or sleep at night.
But, that does not mean I forget to be slacking around in most of the times.

However, I do get panic attacks a lot of times. Even at this moment. Today. Last night.

How other people coop with this kind of pressure?
Some of my friends have submitted their thesis.
And they should finishing it sooner actually.

I am really happy with them.
I want to be relieve like them too.

7 hari di KL

Not exactly KL. Places near to KL, ie Gombak and Ampang.
Not sure how my mother handle things at home without me.
My humanity kicks in whenever Kak Ngah turns into Mrs Jekyll in one morning.

I have not leaving home for quiet sometime. Maybe too long which make my parents feel
enormously concern with me travelling to other places without them.
I cannot really complaining about this matter if I continue living with them.
So, I must find job very soon.

Talking about job, I must finish my study first.
But, it is another long story to start with.
I find it very hard to answer someone with this question
"What makes your study take too much time that 2 years are not enough?"
Or other questions with similar meaning like that.

And, I am being 100% honest in answering that simple silly question.
Its all my supervisor's fault, who used me to do his professorship business.
But then, I doubt that it should be the real answer as it is not 100% true.
My own act also cause me failure to finish my study sooner.

I met this one person who smile broadly when I feel impressed with her near-to-finish
writing her thesis draft. Twice submission to her supervisor.
How I envy her smile. Seriously.

So, I must work harder. No matter what are the reasons I give to myself.
p/s: Akak setahun tua dariku yang baru kukenal hari ni sedang berbual di telefon pada jam lewat malam2 begini. Ah, pasti dengan buah hatinya. 'Untung lah' yang bisa ku bicara pada diri sendiri.
   

Selepas Hujan

Mungkin awanan dilangit tidak terlalu terbeban dengan air lagi pada waktu ini.
Namun, siapa tahu kalau2 air yang dikandung boleh melimpah lagi pada minggu hadapan.
Semua pun sibuk dengan cerita2 gelombang kedua.

Tapi, buat masa ini ada yang cuba meneruskan kehidupan seperti biasa.
Walaupun, tidaklah 100% sama seperti kehidupan sebelum banjir.
Terutama sekali saya yang seperti kehilangan arah selepas semua yang berlaku.

Saya tidak tahu apa lagi yang boleh dilakukan untuk tempoh pengajian yang semakin hari semakin suntuk.
Saya lupa segala matlamat dan perancangan yang ingin dilaksanakan dan ditamatkan dalam tempoh tertentu.
Akibat banjir, sayalah yang paling sengsara.

Saya kehilangan meja belajar.
Saya kehilangan kereta.
Saya kehilangan komputer riba.

Dan, masalah saya berputar-putar pada perkara yang sama sahaja.
Tiba-tiba, ayah pula perlu tinggal di hospital.
Adik pula perlu ke rumah mertua dan isteri di luar daerah.

Aduh!..Saya sememangnya ingin berputus asa sahaja. Sebenarnya.
Biarlah saya tinggal sendiri bersama-sama barang2 yang tenggelam oleh lumpur.
Busuk dan kotor.

Sehari-hari mencuci didapur, diruang tamu dan semuanya.
Mengurskan gambar2 yang hancur kerana air.
Memasak dan makan apa sahaja asalkan perut kenyang dan bertenaga semula.

Haih.

Semasa Hujan Tidak Berhenti

Mungkin sudah hampir seminggu, hujan tidak juga mahu berhenti. Bukan di sini sahaja, malah di seluruh tempat di dalam negara subur dan makmur ini. Tidak terkecuali di kesemua negara-negara seantore ini.

Air tak berhenti-henti mencurah. Menghempap atap merah, daun pisang, jalan tar dan apa sahaja yang tidak terlindung oleh sesuatu yang menutup. Apa sahaja yang dihempap pasti menghasilkan pelbagai jenis irama musik dengan nada yang seragam dan berulang-ulang. Hari basah sememangnya hari yang bising. Lebih bising daripada jalan raya yang sesak.

Tanpa hangatnya Sang Suriani, semuanya nampak kelam dan berbau asam. Semua yang basah terutamanya pakaian yang perlu dibasuh sehari-hari menjadi masam. Tuala juga bertukar hapak selang 2,3 hari sahaja. Bantal juga menjadi bertambah tambah kusam warnanya.Kalau tidak dipakaikan sarung yang baru, pasti bantal2 semuanya tidak diguna menjadi alas kepala pada hari-hari busuk seperti sekarang. Tidak menyelerakan mata, hidung dan tentunya tekak.

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Dibeberapa tempat telah dilaporkan air sudah menenggelamkan tempat tinggal mereka.
Kalau dahulu, keluarga kami juga jadi gusar dan tidak senang duduk bila hujan tidak juga mahu berhenti.

Bila air Sungai Isap melimpah, longkang besar didepan rumah pertama sekali senak dengan air berwarna lumpur. Bila hujan masih juga terus turun, longkang akhirnya memuntahkan segala yang terlebih ke kawasan laman dan seterusnya ke dalam rumah. Memenuhi setiap penjuru lantai yang rendah.

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Waktu semasa itu. Saya masih lagi bergelar seorang pelajar tanpa ijazah.
Mungkin tidak naif sepenuhnya, tapi lebih dungu daripada sekarang.
Atau sama sahaja dungunya seperti sekarang.

Oh, hujan!
Sememangnya ini musimnya kau menjadi degil dan terus terusan membasahkan dan menenggelamkan
daerah ini.

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Kalaulah aku boleh meminjam Sang Suriani pada waktu ini untuk disimpan didalam kamar kecilku.
Agar aku tidak terus hanyut bersama-sama air bah yang menelan kawasan2 rendah.